The Struggles Men Face in Relationships and How to Overcome Them
Relationships can be challenging for anyone, but men in particular face unique struggles that are rarely discussed openly. In a thought-provoking conversation between men's coach Elise Michaels and podcaster Benoit Kim, they dove into the mental health issues and relationship difficulties many men experience in silence. By exploring the root causes and mindset shifts that can lead to change, they provided insight into how men can break negative patterns to create fulfilling relationships.
The Stigma Around Men Asking for Help
One major roadblock for men improving their relationships is the stigma that exists around asking for help. As Elise explained, many men see seeking help as a sign of weakness. They believe they should be able to solve problems on their own. This often stems from childhood experiences where boys are taught to "man up" instead of being emotionally vulnerable. However, as Benoit pointed out, many men will hire a coach to help improve their golf swing or fitness without shame. Yet they view getting help for personal relationships as something only "broken" people do. In reality, even the most successful people work with coaches to reach their potential. A coach provides external perspective and accountability. Elise noted that avoiding the stigma and asking for guidance takes strength. It allows men to gain the skills needed to build strong relationships.
The Desire for Intimacy vs. Avoidant Tendencies
One myth Elise debunked is that men fear intimacy in relationships. In fact, she shared that the vast majority of men crave deeper emotional connection. They want to feel seen and understood by their partners. However, many grew up without models of healthy intimacy. As Benoit described, many men had fathers who avoided expressing emotions and taught their sons to do the same. These patterns get passed down through generations. Men may also face different social expectations around intimacy that leave them underprepared to open up. The combination of longing for closeness yet lacking vulnerability skills causes inner turmoil. Elise sees men shutting down to avoid painful conflicts. But avoiding intimacy only breeds resentment and emotional isolation. By recognizing these mixed messages, men can start unlearning old habits.
Escaping Unhappy Home Lives Through Work
Both Elise and Benoit observed how unhappy home lives lead many men to escape into their work. When relationships lack meaningful connection, work can provide immediate satisfaction. Focusing energy on career success distracts from addressing underlying relationship issues. However, Elise cautioned that this avoidance technique is a dangerous trap. Not only does it prevent making needed changes, but it can also breed further resentment from partners for being neglected. It's easy to get stuck in a loop of throwing yourself into work to numb your feelings. Instead, she advised looking inward to understand the root of your unhappiness. Often, it stems from poor communication and lack of quality time together. By cultivating intimacy and vulnerability with your partner, you may find your home becomes a source of comfort rather than escape.
Growth Mindset and Reframing Your Pain
A key theme Elise and Benoit kept returning to was the importance of adopting a growth mindset in relationships. This means seeing challenges as opportunities to learn rather than failures to avoid. With a fixed mindset, you believe people's skills and personalities cannot change. But decades of research shows we can change our brains through new thinking and behavior patterns. Elise noted how many men self-sabotage when things start going well due to fear of the unknown. Or they may numb their pain through addictive behaviors. Instead, she advised reframing pain as the path to pleasure. Fully feeling our emotions and using them as motivation to grow can be liberating. Since men are often wired for problem-solving and survival, approaching relationships as skills to constantly improve can be empowering. Rather than judge yourself for what you cannot do, focus on the progress made. Small daily actions to boost communication, vulnerability, and intimacy can yield huge long-term payoffs.
The Hidden Struggles of Successful Men
Benoit shared how even outwardly successful men with families and careers often suffer silently from loneliness, lack of passion, and difficulty trusting others. Elise sees these same patterns with her clients, especially those who experienced childhood emotional neglect. They discussed how men feel pressure to appear invincible, sharing only their highlight reel with the world. But underneath they crave real connection. By opening up about their insecurities and flaws, men can begin building that emotional intimacy they desperately want. Elise and Benoit both help men learn to be vulnerable by normalizing struggles. They emphasize that behind every successful person's highlight reel are countless failures, rejections and challenges. Being honest about our pain creates space for others to do the same.
The Importance of Boundaries vs. Control
Elise and Benoit explored the nuances between healthy boundary-setting and controlling behavior. Elise explained that boundaries are about taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions. Blaming others prevents self-growth. For example, if your partner is constantly late, getting angry won't change them. But you can control your response by calmly expressing how this affects you and making alternate plans if needed. Letting go of the need to change others' behavior frees you to focus on your own reactions. However, Benoit noted how easy it is to cross the line into control, like punishing your partner's lateness with silence. Elise emphasized boundaries are about communicating your needs, not making demands. They require first looking inward at your own issues before blaming others. Benoit shared an example from his own life, where he had to set clear boundaries with family members who were being invasive with his time and energy. He took responsibility for not expressing his needs clearly early on. By framing it as his own self-care needs rather than attacking them, he was able to reset those relationships.
The struggles men face in relationships are real but solvable. By becoming aware of the societal pressures and childhood programming that lead to emotional avoidance, poor communication and lack of intimacy, men can start unlearning those patterns. Seeking help through coaches and mentors provides the external support needed to gain vulnerability and relationship skills. Approaching relationships with a growth mindset allows you to see setbacks as opportunities to improve. And learning to set boundaries rather than control others builds self-awareness and emotional security. The first step is acknowledging that you cannot go it alone. Opening up about relationship challenges requires courage but leads to fulfilling connections. By taking active steps to boost communication, foster intimacy and work through issues together, men can have the healthy, happy relationships they desire. What key takeaways from Elise and Benoit's conversation stood out to you? What relationships in your own life could benefit from some mindset shifts or skill building? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Head over to the official Podcast episode on YouTube to join the discussion!
